Red Lentil Dhal

 This recipe was inspired by Madhur Jaffrey and a couple of other recipes I found online.  I changed a lot of things, adding heaps more garam masala, using olive oil and adding extras like green chillies and cherry tomatoes.  I hope this recipe works for you as well as it worked for me - it's quite a simple process and is very tasty indeed!!


Ingredients

2 cups red lentils (dhal)
6 cups water approx


Olive oil
5 cloves garlic, peeled and chopped
Tumeric powder
Knob of ginger
Cumin seeds
Mustard seeds
Chilli powder
Garam masala powder
Curry leaves
3 large green chillies
6 shallots
10 cherry tomatoes


Put lentils in pot with the water. 

Bring to boil, scrape off the foamy stuff on top.

Add some large slices of peeled ginger and a couple of curry leaves to the water and a few teaspoons of tumeric.

Reduce to a low (very low!) simmer, partly covered for around 40-50 minutes.

After around half an hour, put some olive oil in a frypan, heat and pop the mustard seeds and cumin seeds (if you ask me, more is more so don't be afraid to throw a few teaspoons in!)

Fry the garlic, shallots, the rest of the ginger (finely chopped), 3 chillies (seeds are optional - they aren't particularly fiery, so why not!), chilli powder, garam masala and curry leaves.  

Add more and more garam masala as you go, remember this will be diluted when mixed with the dal.  Add some tumeric and the cherry tomatoes, frying until cherry tomatoes have disintegrated. 

When dal is looking almost ready, add all the ingredients from the frypan and mix thoroughly.  You will need to add some salt (perhaps quite a bit!) and a bit more tumeric.

Serve with or without rice, add fresh chopped coriander and top with heated roti or naan bread. 

technorati tags: dal, dhal, lentil, red lentil, madhur jaffrey, cooking, recipes, food, vegetarian, healthy, Indian cooking

Prehistoric Red Bull Gives You Rather Leathery Wings

A quick note on how to tell if you have flu delerium.

I was in the supermarket today, buying Red Bull.

I read the ingredients briefly, then wondered what it was I had just seen.

Reading the ingredients AGAIN I somehow saw the same thing:

"May contain Pterodactyl".

Do I have flu delerium?

I think that's a yes.

technorati tags: pterodactyl, red bull, prehistoric, dinosaur, supermarket, shopping, personal, funny

Keyword searches for SaveSaveSave

It's always fascinating to find out where people find SaveSaveSave in search engine queries.  Here are a few of my faves (I am so proud to be ranking for these particular phrases):

poem on maggi noodles  (Banjo Patterson, eat your heart out!!) 

cellulite stadium 2   !?!?!?! (I'm sorry, I'm afraid I missed Cellulite Stadium 1!)

wacky toilet seats  (this one actually makes sense, I did do a post on wacky toilet seat designs)

naked people crossing  (I'm not going to ask why people are searching for this!) 

quinny  (er... use your imagination!)


And best of all, if you type in Google:

i need toilet paper for my bung hole.... acdc

you will find me.

I finally rank for "bung hole".

A dream is achieved.

Rose Quartz

I am looking for a new lamp for the new year.  I love all kinds of crystal lamps, sometimes I think I might buy them all!!  But I am particularly fond of this one:

Rose Quartz (height = 6 and a half inches)


Rose quartz is a gentle crystal that eases stress, which is a good thing for most people!!

I love the soft glow of a crystal lamp, there is nothing like it, it can transform the atmosphere of a room. 

A word of warning though:  I wasn't sure of the size of the lamp because I use metric and this seller was using the imperial system. 

....whatever you do, don't go and look up "how big is 6 and a half inches" in Google.

Tiger Woods is Back!!

Woods' win at the Chevron World Challenge at Sherwood Country Club has been a long time coming. Tiger's fans have been waiting patiently, and Tiger himself has been waiting and striving rather impatiently.  It cannot be easy to fall from the world No#1 spot to off the charts in a short space of time.  Injuries, a media furore, and more injuries have plagued the former No#1 ranked golfer in the world.

Tiger's last win was at the 2009 Australian Masters.  How do I know that?  I was there.  I saw him put on the yellow jacket at Kingston Heath.  I got a sore neck from crouching down and watching between somebody's knees.  It was worth it.  Tiger was where he belonged, and in my eyes had never really left, just lying dormant until the right time.  Some said he had "lost it", "was over", I never really believed it so I kept my mouth shut (my blogging mouth, anyway).  Tiger showed some form towards the end of the  2011 Australian Open, finishing third, beaten by John Senden (2nd) and Greg "going for the triple crown" Chalmers (1st).  Chalmers, after his win at the Australian Open went on to win again at the PGA at Coolum and is set to put in a fight at the 2011 JBWere Masters next weekend.  Chalmers will be set to play key US events next year, so stay tuned... 

In that same month, Tiger played a crucial role in the 2011 Presidents Cup at Royal Melbourne Golf Club, helping to seal the win for the USA against the International Team.  

Photo Credit Bay News 9

Currently, Tiger's world ranking has ricocheted from #52 up to #21.

What is to come is yet unknown, but when golf and Tiger Woods get together, it creates eventful, inspiring and perhaps even surprising entertainment.

technorati tags: Tiger Woods, world ranking, australian golf, jbwere masters, australian open, PGA Coolum, Presidents Cup, Chevron World Challenge

Shabby Sheiks

Just when I thought I'd seen it all, from shabby chicks to shabby chic, along came the Shabby Sheik:

A rustic, shabby sheik timber cabinet.  What is a shabby sheik?  What decorating movement does it represent?  Broken tiles?  Ornate but mud covered mosaics?  Or perhaps the seller was someone mysterious but well known...

I love the shabby sheik movement, I intend to decorate exclusively in this style.

And, to follow the immortal words of the man himself,

You are what you is

And you is a bad speller

technorati tags: shabby chic, shabby sheik, shabby chick, frank zappa, sheik yerbouti

Cappuccino vs Caffe Latte

Have you ever wondered about the difference between caffe latte and cappuccino? Many don't know the difference, including the people who serve them.

Let's start with cappuccino. Cappuccino comes from the Capuchin friars - some say it refers to the colour of their robes, others say it refers to the friars' distinctive hairdo - bald in the middle and hair ringed around the head like a headband. Whatever the reason, we have the wonderful caffeinated beverage, coffee, steamed milk, and a large head of foam topped with a ring or a pattern of cinnamon, cocoa or chocolate sprinkles.

Latte, or caffe latte means "coffee and milk". So, unsurprisingly, the drink consists of coffee and a boatload of milk. This is often served in a glass with a napkin wrap to stop you burning your fingers. It is more similar to a flat white than a cappuccino, only the caffe latte contains more milk. According to Wikipedia, the drink was popularised in Seattle in the 1980s and is still hugely popular today.

Which brings me to my daily battle with take away coffees. I love to drink a take away cappuccino, lift off the lid and lick off the foam and chocolate from the inside. Perhaps not the daintiest look, but that's how I do it.  Only a cappuccino can provide this experience, so I order a cappuccino every time I get a coffee.

For some reason, my saying "Cappuccino" sounds distinctly like "Caffe Latte" to the person behind the counter.  I walk out only to find that I have a milky coffee and no foam, no sprinkles, no fun.   Apparently the rise of caffe latte in Seattle was so powerful, that nobody believes you anymore when you ask for a cappuccino.  They think "poor thing, she's obviously not keeping up with the times.  I'll do her a favour and make her a latte so she won't be excruciatingly embarrassed."

I would like to release an open letter to my particular local cafe, however this can apply to cafes around the world:

Dear "Barista",
You are actually Italian, so you should know better than to confuse a cappuccino with a caffe latte.  I know it's hard for you and that I am the only person since 1989 to ask for a cappuccino since everyone is sooo hip to the latte thing, but I-don't-care.  I want my daggy outmoded cappuccino, I want it brimming with foam and chocolate sprinkles.  Kindly make mine frothy, I don't want a hot milk with a dash of coffee in it, I don't care if Kate Moss is doing it.


sincerely,
Proud (if not fashionably challenged) cappuccino drinker

technorati tags: cappuccino, latte, caffe latte, cafe latte, capucin, friar, barista, cappuccino vs caffe latte, coffee, cafe

Dear Mr Ambrose Weckkinbeck

I seem to be a target for spam lately.  Yesterday I got a text message from a ridiculously long phone number reading:
@===@
)"EID" )
/ "Mub /
(arik" (
@===@
I think that @ and = thing is supposed to be a scroll.

It reads:

"May Allah bless U and your family!"


Well that's nice. Couple of points though,

1. I'm not a Muslim, or in fact religious in any way shape or form
2. I'm not rabid enough to text back "die godless A-rab" either

So whatever they were hoping for - ie. "Thank you brother, may Allah bless you as well" or "I will find out where you live and git you just like Osama", they ain't gonna get it from me.

Another couple of points. They can't spell Eid Mubarak properly but they did send it at the right time, as Ramadan has just ended. A little bit of research goes a long way.  I'm guessing it's just a run of the mill spam thing, but I can see some people receiving it happily, and sending back "Eid Mubarak blessings to you too.  Just one thing, who are you and how did you get my number?" or freaking out completely and throwing the phone over the ranch fence and running in the general direction of Alaska.

My next spam adventure happened this morning when I received a totally official looking (*insert sarcasm here*) email from Mr Ambrose Wekkinbeck. Well, with a name like that I can't help but be reassured of its authenticity. It just sounds like the kind of name you can trust. Not made up at all.

Here is an excerpt of this earnest letter written by good natured people who just want to get my "missing funds" to me so they can sleep at night, knowing they have done the world a great service.

"Due to this lost of Funds of your's which was suppose to be given to you but failed to."

When I studied grammar at primary school, high school and university, not once did I dare consider indulging in any number of these cardinal sins. This person deserves to be tied up in a small room with an audio recording of "Introduction to The Grammar of English" for desecrating a poor defenseless sentence.

Apparently, the object of the exercise is to fleece people out of anything between $180 and $396 to cover "shipping fees" for an ATM card. That's one heavy ATM card. If anyone is stupid enough to pay an exorbitant shipping fee to an illiterate stranger with a made up name, they really can't blame anyone else when their accounts get drained. I guess you could call it a stupidity test.

That said, I feel quite sure there is a special circle of hell reserved for spammers and identity thieves. And I'm not even religious.

They end the last part of the email with "Thanks and God bless you and your family."

Spooky eh?

So, in the interests of reciprocating this earnest outreach of human goodness, here is my response (posted here only, not emailed!):

Deer Mistir Ambrowse Wekkinbecc,

!Git Stuff'd.

yorz sincerelly,
LjPPPPPP

technorati tags: spam, eid, mubarak, text, scam, funds, bank, bad grammar

We're Not Going To Take It - Twisted Sister

In the 1980s the parent group PMRC (Parents Music Resource Centre) formed from the "Wives of Washington", tried to ban songs containing 'obscene' lyrics, targeting Twisted Sister along with 15 other bands they dubbed "The Filthy Fifteen".  These parent groups (one of which included Tipper Gore) attempted to use the courts to censor rock music into oblivion.  Had they won the case, the PMRC would have chosen which music is appropriate and not appropriate based on their own particular values.  As a result of these hearings, the "parental advisory" stickers were born.

Note:  Dee Snyder says one swear word in this documentary.  I'm sure you've all heard it before but if you don't want to hear it, don't watch it!






The Glee Project doing "We're Not Going to Take It" by Twisted Sister.
This is not particularly appropriate as music for an "Idol" style reality TV show considering the history and the subject matter of the song.

This song was written to take a stand against the establishment, against narrow minded people and against unfair censorship.  It's a song about Rock N' Roll, freedom of speech and the right to choose your own destiny. 

Glee on the other hand is paint-by-numbers, establishment-endorsed karaoke, not Rock N' Roll.
And no, pretending to break a plastic guitar doesn't count. 

The fundamental problem with this picture is that PMRC would probably have endorsed Glee and its inoffensive, sanitised "Musical Theatre" show.

People on you tube have said that this Glee Project clip "Rocks".  They wouldn't know Rock music if they tripped over it.   


Here is the link to the actual song, performed as nature intended:
We're Not Going To Take It - Twisted Sister

technorati tags: twisted sister, we're not going to take it, glee project, glee, dee snyder, tipper gore, PMRC, parental advisory, explicit lyrics

Winter!! Uggh!! (Boots)

Uggh!!  It's winter.  So instead of saying "ugg" perhaps it's time to start wearing them!!

I'm sure I'm not alone in not liking winter one little bit. But, it is a good time to stock up on essential winter wear.  Can you be fashionable AND cold?  Methinks so....

Winter Essentials:

Polar fleece blanket

Winter Essential #1: Polar fleece blanket
Perfect for putting over your knees in the car during those chilly early mornings.  Use them on the couch, on your bed for extra warmth, the possibilities are endless!

Ugg Boots

 
Winter Essential #2: Ugg Boots
Keep your toes toasty with fleecy uggs this winter.  Comfy for wearing around the house and getting cosy in front of the fire.


For some extra style points, get the Jimmy Choo Ugg

Jimmy Choo Ugg

American Eagle Outfitters Wool Coat

Winter Essential #3: Woollen Coat
If you are wandering around the place and it's 5 degrees outside, it's woollen coat time. I predict a resurgence of wool this year...

Wool scarf

And last but not least, Winter Essential #4:  Wool scarf
Protect your neck and ears from the cold with a warm and stylish scarf.  Top off your look with warmth and style!

technorati tags: wool, winter, scarf, jimmy choo, ugg, ugg boot, wool coat, fashion, accessories, style, polar fleece, polar fleece

Awesome Feng Shui

I have somehow managed to strike gold with my Feng Shui search, all I was looking for was plants for balconies and outdoor furniture configurations.

What I found however, was this brilliant gem of what I would assume/hope are erroneous machine translations:

"Feng Shui to help you see how to become Warren"

Good.  That's something I've always been wondering about.


"Do not tank, and the home clash fortuna"

Ok, I promise.  I won't tank.  It sounds kinda dangerous.


"...The toilet, as fierce caused the most scary."

I may just never go in there again.


"...investors are ecstatic, including many never fried anyone"

I know this one, its a Doobie Brothers lyric...


"Non-home Feng Shui is Not Never Trap"

...and hippocampus sends its regards to your kumquat hamster flap.


Following the site's advice to 'fix' a balcony, all you need do is:

"cut the so-called days of evil...just like a knife cut in half the roof..."

Sounds like a lot of work. I think I'll just put in a jade money plant and be done with it.

All text in bold quotations credited to "fengshui-lab.com"

technorati tags: feng, shui, feng shui, balcony, jade plant, chinglish, machine translations

Buying Skechers Shape Ups

I have been wanting to try out Skechers Shape Ups for ages now!  Finally I got my chance in December last year and I haven't taken them off since!  Okay, well I did take them off to sleep.  But apart from that, I wear them when I walk short distances, longer distances, I wear them on the treadmill at the gym - basically whenever I get the chance.

Now to address the claims of XF (Extended Fitness) Skechers Shape Ups:

















Burns more calories - I can definitely confirm that these shoes help to burn more calories.  I have lost around 3kg (6.6lb) since wearing these shoes.  And that includes still eating chocolate, ice creams and croissants!

Tones Muscles/Improves Posture - This is the area where the shoes really come into their own.  How can a shoe tone muscles?  Well, it's all about the posture.  The shoes improve the posture, straightening the back and activating under-used muscle groups.  Muscle groups I never knew I had, in fact!!  Since I've been wearing the Shape Ups, my back is stronger, my calves are thinner and my ankles have become more tapered. 

The shoes simulate walking on soft sand, the bottom of the shoe rolling to create a more natural walking movement.  The shoes are so comfortable that I find myself creating excuses to go for a walk!  My shoes are the XF (Extended fitness) type and they sit at number 1 (lowest intensity) on the burn meter.  Check the burn meter for the intensity that's right for your lifestyle.
    

Burn Meter Ratings

XF (Extended Fitness For Walkers) - Burn Meter #1 (lowest intensity)

XW (Extended Wear - For Working On Your Feet All Day) - Burn Meter #1

AT (All Terrain For Trekking) - Burn Meter #2

SRT (Skechers Radius Trainer For A Higher Intensity Workout) - Burn Meter #3

S2 (Lightweight Design For Super Calorie Burning) - Burn Meter #4 

The Original Shape Ups (To Supercharge Your Workouts) - Burn Meter #4 (highest intensity)

technorati tags: skechers, shape ups, buy shape ups, workout shoes, toning shoes, tone muscles, shape up,skechers walking shoes

Man Attempts To Save Girlfriend From Aliens After Bad Reaction To Fake Weed

On the 19th of March, 2011, I catalogued a bunch of files and went shopping.

On the 19th of March, 2011, according to the Salisbury Post, a man named Richard Donald Blanscet was arrested after being chased by the police at high speed. 

His reason for speeding? 

Well....

Dr Phil apparently came on the TV and spoke to him in a high pitched voice, saying that the earth was under attack from aliens.

 

So logically, he got in his car, drove over 120 mph to save his girlfriend.  From the aliens.

Unfortunately the police (who were "in on it" at the time, according to Blanscet) managed to foil his plans and stop him (albeit in a crash) at an intersection.

 

Now....

It may surprise you to hear that drugs were involved.


He had smoked "Mr Nice Guy", a synthetic and reportedly legal blend of "natural/safe" drugs.



I'm guessing this is going to skyrocket sales for Mr Nice Guy or get it banned.

Perhaps they should rename it to "Mr Truth Is Out There Guy"

The Meaning of Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone!! Hope it's a great holiday period for all!

I have noticed a lot of people on tv, news and the like repeating "let's not forget what Christmas is about."

By repeating this phrase, it is clear that we have indeed forgotten what Christmas is about and need to be reminded all the time.

The fact that we celebrate the birth and life of an ascetic by buying stuff is a bit beyond me. But then, I run a shopping blog so what do I know...

So we celebrate the birth of Jesus, a non-material man with meagre possessions who wandered the land healing people and performing miracles.

It's not actually about the arrival of a rather obesese, materialistic Coca-Cola manufactured dude in a red suit.

It would be interesting to know the percentages of children who realise that Christmas isn't about getting the new Nintendo Wii so they can gloat to their school friends who didn't receive the latest gadget.

I watched a YouTube video where a kid received a book as a present. His response was "What the heck is this?" It seems that the spirit of Christmas is out of reach for many people.

I hope in some small way, we all find our own peace on earth, whatever it may be.

technorati tags: christmas, jesus, santa, xmas, noel, joy, peace, presents, spirit of christmas, holidays, family

My Gym Workout Playlist

I have settled on a list of songs that not only get me through my workout, but actually motivate me to press the "UP" arrow on the treadmill.

In no particular order, here are this week's tunes:

You Think I Ain't Worth A Dollar But I Feel Like A Millionaire - Queens of the Stone Age

Go With The Flow - Queens of the Stone Age

New Fang - Them Crooked Vultures

Good Grief - Foo Fighters

I'll Stick Around - Foo Fighters

Been A Son - Nirvana

School - Nirvana

Awful - Hole

Dirty Boots - Sonic Youth

Incinerate - Sonic Youth

technorati tags: queens of the stone age, qotsa, them crooked vultures, new fang, go with the flow, millionaire,hole, awful, nirvana, been a son, school, foo fighters, sonic youth, i'll stick around, good grief, incinerate, dirtyboots, workout, music, playlist, songs, itunes

Hell is a Multi Storey Shopping Centre

Today I tried once more to delve into the world of human shopping. Perhaps it would be quaint, that old world touch, brown paper packages tied up with string, old Mr Gibbons selling candy canes in the hand made sweet shop...

The behemoth of the multi-storey shopping centre loomed above me, taunting me, daring me to go inside...

"We have everything you need here. Join us..."

(say in Dark Lord of the Sith voice)


After 2.7 minutes of being in the shopping centre, the walls were beginning to close in. This place pretty much sucks. There really is no other way of putting it.

So I decided as a home furnishing expedition, I would buy some fabric for some curtains. Simple, yes?

No.


Me (approaching the service desk at a well known and unnamed fabric store)
"Hi, I'm looking for some fabric, it's..."

"The fabric counter is THAT way." The 'customer service' girl points and sulks.

"Ok, thanks."

So I suppose the term "service desk" was some kind of decoy. A fabric shop with a service desk that doesn't help with fabric questions. Perhaps it was the button department.

I found the fabric I needed without any assistance from staff.

Then I took my fabric to the cutting desk.

"I'd like to cut this to approximately the size of a double bed. Do you know how long that would be?"

Cutting desk girl: "About 180cm."

"Okay, and it's how much per metre?"

"18.99"

"Okay, I'll get 2 metres, thanks."

She began to cut, carefully trimming the fabric in a straight line. She kept on cutting, trimming another piece. Hm, perhaps they cut in 1 metre bits, I thought.

"That will be 75.96"

"How much?

"75.96"

"For two metres?"

"Four metres."

"I asked for two metres."

She sighed, then glared at me.

"You said four metres."

"No, really, I asked for two metres."

Still glaring "Oh, and you just stood there and let me cut another piece?" Her aggression was palpable.

My hackles, feckles and any other ekles were well and truly up.
I gathered all my thoughts into one phrase.

....."Excuse me?" Stare....

She backed down a little. "Well, I thought you said four metres."

"No, I said two."

"That will be 37.98"

"Thank you."

Thus endeth the lesson. I will not be doing any more Christmas shopping in shopping centres, as they suck my will to live and make me want to kick in the Christmas decorations. I have decided that the frenetic and rather narky energy of shopping centres is detrimental to my Christmas spirit.

From now on I will be doing all my Christmas shopping on my new favourite online shopping sites.

With any luck I will preserve my remaining cheer in time for Christmas.

technorati tags: shopping centre, online shopping, fabric, store, christmas, 2010, christmas list, christmasshopping, shopping

Go Ahead: Eat My Dust

Housework can be a pain so I have decided that I need the best possible equipment for each task.  This means that I will not be settling for second best when it comes to hand held vacuum cleaners.

I don't want any ol' fluffy "Tiffany Handy Vac"

I don't want a no-suction, small nozzled, airy fairy piece o' junk.

No, I want the no-messing about, 750 watt super suction bad mother.

The "Piranha"

You don't mess around with a name like Piranha, you know it's going to do the job.

Whatever it takes. 

It is the Clint Eastwood of hand held vacuum cleaners.

"Go Ahead.  Eat My Dust."

(clench teeth)

"Do you feel lucky?  Well do ya?  LINT????!?!?"

technorati tags: clint eastwood, dirty harry, piranha, vacuum, hand held vacuum, handy vac, dust buster, doyou feel lucky punk

Beware: Naked People Crossing

At the gym that I regularly frequent, I was presented with a dilemma.  It was a question of etiquette and considering I never went to finishing school OR carried a book on my head, I don't know the answer.  It goes something like this:

I entered the change rooms, ready to get into my running shoes and trackky gear.  This process usually takes me all of about 3 minutes.  The girl at the desk gave me my locker key - number 6.

When I rounded the corner, I was confronted by a woman.  She was completely stark bollock naked with her arms outstretched, and for some reason, her legs outstretched as well, facing the lockers.

Not only that, but she was spread-eagled in front of a particular locker.

Number 6.

My locker.

I knew she had heard me coming in, a slight tilt of her head acknowledged my presence in her vicinity.

So I hung back, not wanting to approach at this stage. 

I have this pedantic thing about not talking to completely naked strangers.

So I thought "well, maybe she just took off her bathing suit.  I suppose she'll dry off, get dressed and THEN I can ask her to move." 

Wrong!

She stayed where she was.  Swaying slightly, not using a towel and still standing like Leonardo's Vitruvian man.

"Oh crap."  I thought.  "Maybe she's air drying?"

She stayed for what seemed like 15 minutes but was probably more like 7.

Not moving.

Being  naked. 

Not using a towel.

Swaying.

"Maybe she's like that serial killer guy from Silence of the Lambs.  I'm definitely not talking to her until she is at least covered up in a towel or something.

She still didn't move.

"Maybe the Blair Witch is coming and she's been told to stand facing the wall.  Maybe I'm next!!  Aaargh!!"

This line of thought wasn't helping me.

I had meanwhile changed into my gear, sat down on the bench.  Waiting patiently, trying not to look directly at the rather frightening display in front of me. 

Then, something bizarre happened.  Another woman and a kid came in and started talking to Vitruvian naked scary woman.  And she miraculously grew clothes within a minimal space of time.

I chose my moment.

"Excuse me, could I get into number 6 please?"

"Oh, yeah, of course!"  she said, like it had been her intention all along.  She FINALLY capitulated and moved herself away.
 
As she disappeared (thankfully fully clothed) through the door with the other woman and the kid, I noticed something else. She wasn't even using a locker.  She could have gone anywhere.  It's a big place.

So I conclude with my not-so-subtle-plea/order/requirement/mandatory idea:

DEAR-NAKED-AIR-DRYING-SWAYING-WEIRDO-PEOPLE-HAVE-YOU-EVER-A-HEARD-OF-A-TOWEL!?!?!?!?

technorati tags: naked woman, changeroom, weirdo, gym, decorum, decency, towel, etiquette

How To Fix Latency When Recording in Vista

What is Latency?

When you record directly from a microphone or instrument, the audio signal is sent to your computer, converted into a digital signal and then back into analog and sent to your speakers. This is the process responsible for causing the frustrating "lag" or latency effect, where your tracks are recorded "late". When you play back your tracks, your latest recorded track will be out of sync with the first one. If you have experienced this problem, you will be familiar with this effect and you are probably tearing your hair out daily.

Thankfully there are a number of ways to fix latency in Windows Vista.  You can try all of these or just a few to try to fix your latency problem:


1.  Upgrade your RAM


The faster your computer, the less likelihood of latency being a problem.  As the saying goes, "you can never be too rich or too thin".  Or have too much RAM.  Get a memory upgrade to at least 4GB if you can and ideally see if you can upgrade to the maximum your slots can take.  If you are unsure, speak to your nearest tech head or check forums and manufacturers pages.



2.  Download ASIO4ALL

ASIO4ALL is the universal ASIO driver for Win 98SE/ME/2k/XP/MCE/2003/XP64 and Vista/Windows 7 x86/x64.  For some, a quick download of this free program is all you will need to fix latency issues.  You may need to tweak the buffer and latency sliders until you reach an acceptable level of latency. 

4.  Upgrade from Windows Vista to Windows 7.

Unfortunately for many users, Windows Vista is S-L-O-W, notorious for maximizing latency and is known as a problematic operating system for multitrack recording.  I'm going to come right out and say it, it is definitely worth the investment upgrading now rather than tweaking away with Vista until you are blue in the face.  Windows 7 can help your machine work quicker and easier.  The minute I upgraded my laptop from Windows Vista to Windows 7, I instantly noticed the difference in speed.



5.  Get an Audio Interface

How does an audio interface improve latency?  An audio interface will replace your sound card for the time it is on and plugged into your machine.  With direct monitoring, your interface will bypass the latency loop so you hear your sounds in real time.

When I bought my M-Audio Fast Track, I found that it simplified recording into a "plug and play" experience, removed latency and on top of all that, made the recording software fun to use.  You can plug a microphone straight in to the XLR jack and guitar leads (or mic leads) plug straight in to the 1/4 in jacks.  Once you are plugged in, you just start recording.

The M-Audio Fast Track uses a "Direct Monitoring" (zero latency) button, allowing the user to hear the recorded tracks while hearing the track as you record.  For this stage you need to make sure that you have done these two things (important):

* Plug in speakers for monitoring your recordings
* Use headphones to monitor your sound while you are recording

If you have followed these steps, your direct monitoring should work fine.

Minimum System Requirements (PC)

Windows XP (SP3)* or Windows Vista 32/64 or WIN 7

Pentium 4 2.0GHz

1GB RAM

one native USB port

* Home and Professional Edition only. Windows Media Center Edition is not supported.



Minimum System Requirements (Mac)

OS X 10.4.11 Or better

G4 processor**

1GB RAM

one native USB port

** G4 accelerator cards not supported.


Features

- Includes Pro Tools M-Powered Essential software

- Works with most popular recording software--including Pro Tools M-Powered 8*

- 1/4 in. instrument input: Record guitar, bass and keyboards

- Phantom powered XLR mic input: Use dynamic and studio-grade condenser microphones

Stereo RCA outputs: Easily connects to your stereo system or powered monitors


You will need the updated drivers to install the Fast Track on Windows 7.  M-Audio has now released compatible drivers for Windows 7 in 32 bit and 64 bit:

MAudioWin732bit

MAudioWin764bit

Installation

*  Download M-Audio driver (if you don't know if your system is 32 bit or 64 bit, click the "Start" button (bottom left corner), right click on "computer" and select "properties", "system".  Windows 7 will tell you what version you are running.

*  Install the driver exe file by double clicking, wait until Windows 7 notifies you that installation has been and the M-Audio icon shows up in your taskbar:

*  Plug in your M-Audio Fast Track.

*  Plug in your microphone or instrument jack and start recording!



There are more expensive audio interfaces on the market, it just depends on your needs as to which one to buy.  In my case, I needed something simple and this interface fitted the bill perfectly.  By all means, if you have the funds and the inclination, go for a more expensive model.

Other audio devices worth considering:

Behringer FCA202

Focusrite Saffire Pro 24

 

MOTU 828mk3

Important note: what works for some people may not work for you.  Do your research and get independent advice.  All systems are different and results may vary from one setup to another.  There will always be a possibility that an audio interface will not work so understand the risks when taking any advice.

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Why Edible Underwear is a Bad Idea

Disclaimer: although pretty tame, if you are under 18 or easily offended, this is not for you.


I was watching a comedian on TV talking about edible underwear and the concept has floated in my mind for days.

The first question I would ask is "why"?

The second thing that really started to bother me was the "material" from which they are made.  This comedian mentioned the stuff that edible underpants are made from and it's been giving me nightmares.

So it's a sticky, sugary, fruity sheet type thing.  Designed for.. well actually, I don't really want to think about what they are for.  Use your imagination.  Or don't.  Preferably don't.

The thing that bothers me the most is that you are supposed to wear these things as underwear.  I don't want to go into too much detail but there are two problems with this.

1.  It's warm down there.

2.  Hair

Now if you get someone who is over enthusiastic and tries to take these things off quickly...

Well, only a qualified beautician should be allowed to do that.  Under strict, clinical conditions using the proper utensils.


It baffles me how shoving a couple of fruit rollups down your dacks is somehow deemed to be alluring to the opposite sex.

Each to his/her own I suppose.

In any case, if you do ever buy/use/eat?!!?! these things, exercise extreme caution, lest you experience an instant Brazilian.

technorati tags: edible underpants, edible underwear, lingerie, weird, underwear, edible, panties