I received this lovely email from the kind hearted, generous Gina Rinehart.  Looks legit to me.

The only thing that clued me in was this line:  "...which I intend to use for CHARITY".

Gina Rinehart is notoriously tight with money, giving the tiniest percentage to charity compared with other billionaires (such as Bill Gates).  She also has the dubious distinction of withholding money from her own children until they reach the sprightly age of 75.  A great citizen of Australia indeed.

Did you know Gina Rinehart is also a poet?  Her 2012 poem "our future" was not widely acclaimed when it was released.  I can't imagine why.

I will attempt to analyse her poem. In some instances, I will try to interpret the true meaning behind this vast, meaningful work. In other instances I will use pictures. Wish me luck.


Our Future 

The globe is sadly groaning with debt, poverty and strife 
...due to the Global Financial Crisis thanks to Alan Greenspan, George W. Bush, Bernie Madoff and many others who are super rich and super greedy.

And billions now are pleading to enjoy a better life 
I am so glad that Gina has a plan for everyone who wants a better life.  Can't wait to hear it.  Hey wow, strife and life - a rhyme!  This must be a real poem.

Their hope lies with resources buried deep within the earth 
Ah, no.  Digging, exploitation, I knew there was a catch.  Freedom through slavery...  I think I've heard that somewhere before.

  Image credit:  Annabel's House of Books 

And the enterprise and capital which give each project worth 
Sorry, I ranted on so much there that I forgot to stop and appreciate the incredible wordplay of rhyming 'earth' with 'worth'.  This stuff is Gold!! - Pardon the mining pun

Is our future threatened with massive debts run up by political hacks 
Code alert:  She's talking about Labor.  How do I know?  Because I'm PSYCHIC!! 
...and because she is a right-wing redneck loon.
It was Labor who got us through the GFC and saved us from recession.
Then, in 2013/14, the LNP upped the national debt, spent twice as much as the Labor party per day, and even managed to get The Greens to approve this lunacy.  Expect many tears and stern punishments and finger pointing come budget time.  
So, ironically, over a year later, the answer is to Gina's rather prophetic question is "Yes".

Who dig themselves out by unleashing rampant tax 
The mining tax didn't dig anyone out of anything, nor was it rampant.  More like a small speedbump underneath an earth mover.  
I do however appreciate the use of the word dig.  
Incidentally, Gina Rinehart must really hate John Howard and his rampant GST.  

The end result is sending Australian investment, growth and jobs offshore 
Yes, because no billionaire wants to send jobs offshore.  Our billionaires want to exploit workers RIGHT HERE in good ol' Australia...  As long as they don't ask for Australian wages.  Or conditions. 

This type of direction is harmful to our core
Those mining puns again.  Dig, core, what's next?

Some envious unthinking people have been conned 
Code alert:  Envious = Not a billionaire.  
Unthinking? Oh, yes that's right, the people who thought voting LNP in 2013 would be a good idea. Predicting 2013 and 2014 events in 2012.  Gina Rinehart is some kind of Soothsayer!

To think prosperity is created by waving a magic wand 
No actually, it was salvaged by Wayne Swan.  Wow, that almost rhymed!

Now, about that magic wand.  You could try Gina Rinehart's method of prosperity creation:
Step 1.  Be born
Step 2.  Have a Dad who is a prosperous billionaire
Step 3.  Inherit all of billionaire Dad's billionaire assets
Step 4.  Get indignant about all those silly people who think prosperity is created by waving a magic wand


Through such unfortunate ignorance, too much abuse is hurled 
Those educated lefties, they are just so... unfortunate, and ignorant, and abusive.  And... hurly.

Against miners, workers and related industries who strive to build the world
Not so poetic.  Starting to lose the plot a bit here.  Plot? Earth? Did you see what I did there?

Develop North Australia, embrace multiculturalism and welcome short term foreign workers to our shores 
Okay, that's not a line of poetry.  That's some kind of wacky right-wing manifesto.  

Embrace multiculturism? Translation:  import people too scared to complain about conditions and remuneration, then stick them in a miners shed until it's time to rap on the corrugated iron.  But I'm pretty sure nobody has EVER been exploited on a 457 Visa.  They never mentioned it on SkyNews, anyway.

To benefit from the export of our minerals and ores
Read:  For MEEEE to benefit from the export of our minerals and ores

The world's poor need our resources: do not leave them to their fate 
...So we're going to exploit them for $2 a day!  Hey, that almost rhymed too. 

Let's see how contented a miner can be on $2 per 23 hour day.

Yep.  Everything A-OK.  No problem here at all. 


Our nation needs special economic zones and wiser government, before it is too late. 
It was a wise government that got us through the GFC, which was caused by the greed of super-rich people.  We now have Ms Rinehart's version of a "wiser government".  A super greedy, heartless, secretive, economically illiterate, batsh*t crazy, racist, sexist, violent, xenophobic, born-to-rule bunch of despots prone to cronyism and expense rorting.  
Hooray.

A cartoon from The Daily Blog sums up Gina's poem nicely:

Fun facts: Gina Rinehart was nominated for an "Australian Living Treasure 2012" award

Even more fun facts:  She didn't end up winning.




A Haiku by LJP

The ground tilts askew
Soot piles turn gold for Gina
The earth laughs later

technorati tags: Gina Rinehart Poem, Gina Rinehart email, Gina Rinehart spam, Australia, Australian politics, mining, LNP, Mining exploitation

I am a big fan of GoDaddy. It's that time of year again when I receive emails saying "your web hosting is expiring, renew now."

The best way to get through this time of year is to hunt down promo codes.  I managed to get around $30 off my hosting, which made my day.

I generally prefer to use web hosting companies that keep things simple.

The control panel for GoDaddy is easy to use, and everything is clearly laid out in a logical manner.  My only small gripe would be the username and password section.  For some reason my web browser has decided it doesn't need to remember my username and password for GoDaddy so I have to look it up every time I want to log in.  That aside, I love the convenience of pressing a button to renew my hosting packages all at the same time.

I have a couple of sites hosted with GoDaddy and they have kept me pretty happy for the last 3 years or so.  I possibly would consider another hosting company if the conditions were right, but there would have to be a compelling reason to switch over from my current hosting.

p.s. if you want to get 35% off your order here's a special promo code for new orders in 2014: WOW2014cod

technorati tags: godaddy, web hosting, hosting, coupon code 2014, godaddy coupon, godaddy promo

It is seriously time for me to get a haircut.

It's true, there are YouTube videos on how to get my exact hairstyle that I wake up with in the morning, which makes me laugh.  But I am what I am.  A tangled, messy, messy longhaired messy haired person.

When it is time for me to finally be bothered to visit the hairdresser's, it is usually because of oh-so-subtle messages from the universe.

Like this afternoon, when I shut my hair in the car door and leaned forward to grab a CD from the CD player...

Orrrr.. the oh so subtle moment when I went to flick my hair over my jacket (Zara of course, Dahlinks!) and my fingers got caught in my hair and then I nearly scalped myself.

Or the other night, while peacefully slumbering (well, I was snoring like a herd of banshees so I assume I was peaceful.  I can't attest to anyone else's experience)...  Anyway, I was slumbering (which as a word kind of sounds like some kind of hippo, or is that just me?)...

ANYWAY...

I turned over to tuck my arm underneath my pillow and behind my head, as I always do.  Unfortunately I had grabbed a huge fistful of hair and somehow the turning motion allowed the hair to twist around my neck like a noose that got tighter as I moved my head.

I woke up pretty quickly after that one.

Sooo, it's time for me to get a haircut.  Whee.  I can hardly wait.  I'm pretty much a little kid when it comes to haircuts.  I can't be bothered.  Yes, they wash your hair for like, 2 hours and give you some weird spiritual head massage.  That part is ok, if not time consuming.  But who actually washes their hair for that long?  Nobody!  Unless they have 24 hour hot water and a very patient family.

When, and if, and that is a big if, I wash my hair it usually goes like this:

Wet hair.

Try to squeeze the prescribed 10c piece size amount into the palm of my hand.

End up squeezing enough to fit on one of those huge stone monolith coins that those ancient dudes used to roll around.

Wash the rest of the shampoo down the drain, leaving a small, 50 dollar note sized splat.

Attempt to wash hair with a quasi "squishing" motion.  Realise that I am not a hairdresser, and that the squishing is doing very little.  Rinse hair in frustration.

Condition hair.  Do you condition the ends or the top as well?  I never know.  I end up doing the ends and then saying "stuff it" and putting the rest on the top of my head.  Rinse.

Wait 1 day for hair to look normal again.  Wonder why I bothered.  Ponder life's questions that deserve far more time than hair maintenance.


But I digress.  Again.  So, once the hairdresser has washed, conditioned, detangled and super smoothed your hair, then they spend the first hour intricately cutting individual hairs from... somewhere.  I'm not sure where.  All I know is when I get up from the chair it looks like the Abominable Snowman has come in for a full body shave.

So, 3 hours or so later, my hair is trimmed about 2 inches.  I really don't understand why it takes such a long time, or where all that hair comes from.


I will relent, of course, and get my hair cut.  I have 3 requests that I tell the hairdresser every time.

1.  Just a trim
2.  Bit of layering, not too much
3.  No fringe

For my US readers, a fringe is a bang.  And a bang is a fringe.  And that girl in the "Fringe" TV show has bangs.  Glad to have cleared that up.

Every time I go to the hairdresser, they suggest something wacky.

How about a fringe?
No, I tried that once when I was 12.  As a kid I knew fringes looked stupid, at least on me.  End of story.

How about some highlights?
No, it takes another 6 hours and comes out looking no different to when I started.  Except somehow $275 is missing somewhere...

How about a short, asymmetrical bob cut?
No, I am a longhair breed.

Also, has anyone else noticed that hairdressers display a variety of posters and magazines showcasing asymmetrical bob cuts, but nobody in the real world actually has one, at least for any extended period of time?

Ha, I think I have cracked one of the great mysteries of the universe.

"There is no asymmetrical bob cut."

Think about it.


So while I'm on this seemingly focused rant, let me expand to stuff I hate:

1.  Fringes and bangs  (I'm sorry if you have one, I just don't like them.  I can't change that.  It's something in my DNA or something)

2.  "Anti-Feminists"  Yes, I'm looking at you, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry.
YOU-CAN'T-BE-A-WOMAN-AND-BE-AN-ANTI-FEMINIST-YOU-MORONS-UNLESS-YOU-HATE-YOURSELF-IT-DOESN'T-MEAN-YOU-HATE-MEN

Unless of course, you are an idiot who likes being exploited and oppressed and doesn't want to seem too threatening to men who don't like feminists.  Tell you the truth, I don't really want to appeal to a man who doesn't like feminists, them health care-giving socialists and them gun-stealing, cow spooking scientists.

But you go ahead Katy Perry, AIM HIGH.


Let's just get a definition for those of you who don't know what a feminist is:

"Feminism is a collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, and social rights for women." (Wikipedia / Merriam-Webster Dictionary 2011)


Oooo.  Threatening.

3.  Anti-Feminists with bangs OR meat suits
Self explanatory


4.  The creepy Marc Jacobs 'Oh Lola' (Lolita) ad.  Oh lovely.  Let's celebrate creepy dudes who prey on pre-pubescent girls. Yay, us.  Yay 2013.

5.  That bottle of cognac that costs $1million dollars.  NOTHING is worth that.  You drink it, it's gone.  This isn't for drinking, people, this is for some serious poncing.  If you really want to impress somebody that much, you probably suck anyway so don't worry about it.  Buy yourself a nice house or something, or give it away to a person who is awesome.

5.  Tony Abbott
No photograph as I don't want to give anyone nightmares.


Apart from that, I love everyone and everything in the entire world.  Peace and mungbeans.

technorati tags: messy hair, grunge hair, haircut, hole, courtney love, katy perry, lady gaga, fringe, bangs, expensive cognac

Avast ye landlubbers, get below deck or I'll keelhaul ye!

Arrrrrrrrrr!!!

Avast ye!!

Landlubbers!!

Keel.. haul...

Ok, that's about the extent of my pirate vocabulary.  For some reason my pirate impression is a little off.

However, for some unknown reason, if I try to imitate a Scottish accent, it turns out pirate.  Although sometimes I sound like a Scottish pirate with a slight Jamaican accent.  I'm pretty sure that combination isn't a common one, but it's the only one I can do!!

So...

In honour of "International Talk Like A Pirate Day":

The Pirate Ergonomic Keyboard

The pirate vocabulary is large and versatile.  Diverse, eloquent, meaningful.  Here is a short rundown:


LJP's Pirate/English Dictionary 

Arrrr:  Greetings, fellow pirate.

Ar:  Where is my parrot?

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr:  I am lonely at sea.

 Arr...?  I find you very attractive.

Arraraarar:  I am mad at you but I can't decide whether to keelhaul you or walk the plank.  This is a tough decision that I do not take lightly.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr:   Stand by to board incoming vessel.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrragaaaaa:  Scuttle the ship me hearties!

AAAARHARHAHRHAHRHHAHHHAGGGGGGGGHHHHHAAWAWAWAAAAAAA:  Tony Abbott.

Pirate Memo Clip Note Holder


Hear ye, avast ye, and forget ye not, here is the best way for modern pirates to communicate with other pirates.  Plan raids, count your plunder and compare eye patches with this modern method of communication:  Sticky Paper!!  Arrrr.

Pirate Fancy Dress Costume

Remember, less is more.  Or is it more is more?  Maybe more parrots is more.  Less eyeliner perhaps, we've overdone the Captain Jack Sparrow thing.

It's well known that pirates didn't wear eyeliner, they wore blusher made from the blood of their conquests.  Or something...

Just remember, beardy, patchy and cutlassy and blunderbuss-y.

Also remember there is a veeeery fine line between seaworthy cred pirate dude and Adam Ant in the Higwayman film clip.  It's a fine line and I suppose it really depends what sort of party you're going to...  It's up to you...

Pirate Drinks Cooler

This is a contentious one because ice was in short supply on the high seas unless of course you managed to hit an iceberg.  And drinks that required cooling of any kind were a little impractical since the lower decks contained chained men, sheep's dung, one mouldy orange, a barrell of rotgut and a door that you never, I repeat, never opened.

I'm pretty sure pirates drank some kind of 175% proof Black Skull Label Rum that makes your eyes water and gives you the ability to see the past and future simultaneously while completely skipping the present.  It also assists you in understanding what your parrot is really saying to you.



And finally...

Pirate iPhone Case

Because pirates like, had so many like iPhones...  'cause GPS and stuff.  Like how would they have gotten around?  GPS app like I don't know, it was a really old one, like from the 80s?   Yeah, 'cause if they didn't have computers how did they steal series 5 of Breaking Bad?  Duh.. ... I swear... so dumb...

technorati tags: pirate, pirate iphone, international talk like a pirate day, pirate keyboard, pirate drinks cooler, pirate costume, Adam Ant, Tony Abbott, pirate iphone, talk like a pirate, arrr

You may have been watching the news recently and noticed with interest (hee hee!) that interest rates have dropped to an almost unheard of 2.5%, dropping 25 basis points.  This means that the interest rates of today, in 2013, are actually the lowest recorded interest rates since 1959.

So, what does that have to do with me, you might ask.  Well, there's this thing called the "Australian Dream", the dream of owning one's own home.  The advantages are numerous, including the ability to renovate at will, not having to keep shifting stuff from one place to another, and best of all, no inspections!!

But I digress.

What I actually mean is that this might just be a good time to get your first home loan and lock in a low interest rate with a building society with low interest rates like Newcastle Permanent.  Customer service reviews show that they actually answer the phone when you call so you don't have to speak to a robot every time you call up.  I appreciate that kind of attention to detail, it makes all the difference when you really want to get some information quickly.

At this point in time, you can get a fixed rate mortgage for your first home with a set period for the fixed rate of between 1 and 10 years.  Or you can go for the variable option, depending on your requirements, it's a very personal thing so it's really up to you which way you go.

For first home buyers, you need around 5-10% deposit of the total purchase price, which is a sensible amount, and first home buyers may also be eligible for the first home buyers grant scheme.  This grant provides a boost for anyone wishing to purchase their first home.

The site has a bunch of useful tools including a loan calculator and graph facility, to let you know what your rate and repayments would be over a chosen time period.  You can choose from 10-50 year terms, although a lot of people tend to fall somewhere in the middle of these numbers, for example 25 years or so.  It all depends on how quickly you want to pay off your home and how you can arrange your budget to do so.

For example, I tried out a hypothetical loan, $320,000 (which is a reasonable amount for a humble blogger such as myself), 10 year fixed rate home loan and a payment period of 25 years.  The results are below:

I think I could manage that quite nicely. And I suppose if I can do it, there's a high likelihood that you probably can too.

It's quite fun playing around with the options on the calculator. I estimated repayments on a 2,000,000 loan over 50 years, and then over 10 years. That's just how I roll.

You could try it yourself with figures that apply to your situation and see what the results are.

All in all, judging by the current interest rate situation, it is pretty clear that at this very moment in time, harking back to other golden era's in interest rates, now is probably one of the best time to set up your first home loan. After all, you only get two 1959s in a lifetime!